Hope After Porn – “Forsaking All Others”
The following is chapter 3 of the book, Hope After Porn: 4 Women’s Tales of Heartbreak and How Their Marriages Were Saved. Download the whole e-book for free right now.
I’ll never forget the first time I walked in on my husband looking at Internet pornography. Immediately my heart sank, and I remember this sick feeling wash over me. The thought that began to plague my mind instantly was, “How will I ever be able to compete with her?”
If I think about that day I can remember exactly what the woman looked like. How she was posing and what her facial expression was. I would tell you what she was wearing but that’s just it…she wasn’t wearing anything. She was very well endowed and made me look like I was just about to get my first training bra. Her long, gorgeous, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders but not enough to cover up anything.
I knew my husband, Chris, struggled with lust because we’d been married for five years. His admissions seemed to be vulnerable and honest but I’d later find it was just a smokescreen. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me to walk in on him in the middle of him fulfilling his lustful moment. I guess I was okay with his sin being “out of sight, out of mind.”
It wasn’t until Chris became a follower of Christ at the age of 19 that he really realized he had a problem. I mean, it’s fairly normal for any man, regardless of his age, to want to look at naked women. Most of the world doesn’t feel bad about doing something that “all men do.” So he didn’t see anything wrong with it until one July day in 1991 when the gospel of Jesus Christ was presented to him in a small town diner in a way that he could truly understand. Chris accepted that Jesus Christ paid the price for his sins, and from that day forward it was apparent that God had changed his heart. Chris was different. One day he was a womanizer, dabbling in illegal drugs. The next day he was praying, worshipping God, and starting to tell others about this Jesus he just met. After a short time he even decided that one day he would like to enter into full-time ministry.
Now, I wish I could tell you that his newfound faith in Jesus zapped any desire from him to look at pornography. The truth is that he still struggled with it but seemed to have a handle on it until a little thing called the Internet showed up. And that, my friends, was like putting gas on a smoldering fire.
Only I had no idea how bad it was until one awful day: February 19, 2002.
In the early days, looking at pictures of naked women was enough to satisfy his craving. But, over time, looking at pictures turned into watching videos, which eventually turned into chatting with women who were just as messed up as he was. And before long, the unthinkable occurred: His online fantasy became a reality with a woman.
As he shared with me how this once small addiction spiraled out of control, I learned that these horrendous actions weren’t because he didn’t love me but because he was unable—or unwilling—to get free from his addiction. It sure didn’t feel like he loved me but eventually I realized that the bondage that took over his life was more than he could handle. So he acted out.
Knowing the road ahead would be far from easy, Chris willingly said he would do anything and everything to get free. He said he was desperate for freedom. And even though a big part of me wanted to head for the hills and never look back, a bigger part of me wanted to see if this jacked-up marriage could be redeemed.
Chris resigned from his pastoral role at our church and immediately began to look for a new job. He has a college degree so how hard could it be to find something? The leadership team at our church told Chris that he could not get a job where he had access to a computer, was going to be alone with women, or had to travel. That left The Home Depot. Chris’ new “salary” was more than cut in half by taking this new job. Strict stipulation number one.
The team also came and removed our computer from our home for more than two months. They wanted to make sure that Chris had no access to pornography. Talk about inconvenient. We had to go to the public library to check our e-mail. Strict stipulation number two.
Chris also was not allowed to do things on his own for several weeks except drive to work and back. He was either with us or his mentor from church. The team didn’t want there to even be a hint of an opportunity to make a bad choice again. Strict stipulation number three.
Basically, the first few months after his “confession” were not easy even on the easiest days. It was inconvenient for both of us. Sometimes I would get frustrated that I had to deal with the consequences of his actions. But my pastor, Craig Groeschel, said that sacrifice is giving up something you love for something you love more. Despite the crazy amount of hurt that my husband caused, I still loved him. The love I had for him didn’t just “go away” because he wounded me. I was willing to set aside “me” in order to see “us” be healed. Even though it was painful and oftentimes dreadful, it was the choice I made, and I do not have one regret for making it.
As
much as I loved my husband, I loved God more. I made a commitment to
God early on in my college years that I would follow Him and live for
Him no matter what, that I was “His girl,” and that he could count on me
even when things got rough. Well, things were rough, to say the least.
However, even in the midst of my darkest hours, He was there comforting
me because I leaned into Him instead of running from Him when the hurt,
pain, and fear invaded my every thought.
As hard as the stipulations were, they were good. Necessary, even. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just wrote. The good didn’t necessarily happen during all of this but as a result of everything. I don’t believe that an addict can break free without a total abandonment of his or her drug. My husband certainly couldn’t. We knew that eventually we would have a computer in our home again. I can’t tell you the fear that struck in me. As much as I wanted the convenience of checking e-mail in my own home, I was frightened that my husband wouldn’t be able to handle having his “drug” so available.
That’s where Covenant Eyes came into play. Before the computer was brought back into our home, we made a plan to install the protection that Covenant Eyes Accountability software offers. Let me tell you, it was such a relief knowing that I would know every website that our computer went to. And when the day would come that Chris would have his own laptop for work, we would have that computer monitored as well.
DOWNLOAD “HOPE AFTER PORN”
Some people might feel like they are in prison with this kind of Internet protection. Not Chris. He saw the boundaries as keeping him free! He desperately desired freedom from the monster that invaded his life for so long. It didn’t bother him that his every move was monitored. In fact, he thrived under this boundary!
Our world fell apart in 2002. It’s been quite a journey to say the least. Every Thursday I still get a Covenant Eyes report that tells me all of the websites my husband visits. Week after week, year after year, I see the same common websites that he visits. I see that he likes to read reviews on products before he buys them. I see that he enjoys catching up on some sports every so often. I see that he watches a few silly videos on YouTube from time to time. But you know what I don’t see?
Porn.
I am grateful for our path. Not because of the pain, but because of what the pain has brought about in our lives. My marriage is one of the healthiest I’ve ever seen. Trust has been restored in amazing ways because my husband and I have no secrets. We are truly best friends who want to keep our marriage strong. In order for that to happen, we do whatever it takes.
Cindy Beall
is a writer, speaker and mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris,
speak openly about their difficult journey through Chris’ infidelity and
pornography addiction that nearly destroyed their marriage and
ministry. Through God’s grace they have inspired thousands of people and
have returned to full-time ministry where Chris serves as the Oklahoma
City Campus Pastor at www.lifechurch.tv. Cindy serves as the Sisters
Women’s Ministry leader for their campus. Her first book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, was published in 2011 through Harvest House Publishers.
I’ll never forget the first time I walked in on my husband looking at Internet pornography. Immediately my heart sank, and I remember this sick feeling wash over me. The thought that began to plague my mind instantly was, “How will I ever be able to compete with her?”
If I think about that day I can remember exactly what the woman looked like. How she was posing and what her facial expression was. I would tell you what she was wearing but that’s just it…she wasn’t wearing anything. She was very well endowed and made me look like I was just about to get my first training bra. Her long, gorgeous, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders but not enough to cover up anything.
I knew my husband, Chris, struggled with lust because we’d been married for five years. His admissions seemed to be vulnerable and honest but I’d later find it was just a smokescreen. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me to walk in on him in the middle of him fulfilling his lustful moment. I guess I was okay with his sin being “out of sight, out of mind.”
Faith and Filth
Chris’ introduction to pornography came when he was merely eight years old. He didn’t ask for his sin to begin at that age, but it did. And for a growing, curious boy the desire to see more only grew throughout the rest of his childhood and adolescence. The hunger could be satiated by an occasional look at a National Geographic if you weren’t picky about the kind of naked women you’d see. His newfound addiction didn’t totally bombard his life as a youngster simply because to obtain such racy material meant that you had to know someone who could buy a Playboy or a Penthouse from the local convenience store.It wasn’t until Chris became a follower of Christ at the age of 19 that he really realized he had a problem. I mean, it’s fairly normal for any man, regardless of his age, to want to look at naked women. Most of the world doesn’t feel bad about doing something that “all men do.” So he didn’t see anything wrong with it until one July day in 1991 when the gospel of Jesus Christ was presented to him in a small town diner in a way that he could truly understand. Chris accepted that Jesus Christ paid the price for his sins, and from that day forward it was apparent that God had changed his heart. Chris was different. One day he was a womanizer, dabbling in illegal drugs. The next day he was praying, worshipping God, and starting to tell others about this Jesus he just met. After a short time he even decided that one day he would like to enter into full-time ministry.
Now, I wish I could tell you that his newfound faith in Jesus zapped any desire from him to look at pornography. The truth is that he still struggled with it but seemed to have a handle on it until a little thing called the Internet showed up. And that, my friends, was like putting gas on a smoldering fire.
Only I had no idea how bad it was until one awful day: February 19, 2002.
The Devastating Confession
The date is indelibly written in my mind. I will never forget what I was doing when Chris walked in the door that Tuesday morning. We’d been in our new home in our new town for less than a week when he dropped the biggest bomb on me. After asking me to join him on the sofa, he proceeded to tell me that he’d been unfaithful to me many times with many different women over a period of about two-and-a-half years. In the midst of my immediate reeling, devastation, and line of questioning, he admitted that he was a full-blown porn addict.In the early days, looking at pictures of naked women was enough to satisfy his craving. But, over time, looking at pictures turned into watching videos, which eventually turned into chatting with women who were just as messed up as he was. And before long, the unthinkable occurred: His online fantasy became a reality with a woman.
As he shared with me how this once small addiction spiraled out of control, I learned that these horrendous actions weren’t because he didn’t love me but because he was unable—or unwilling—to get free from his addiction. It sure didn’t feel like he loved me but eventually I realized that the bondage that took over his life was more than he could handle. So he acted out.
Stipulations for Change
Within minutes of his confession we were in the company of people who really cared for us. Our pastor and several church staff members came to our aid and truly wanted to help us. We needed this badly because we hardly knew anyone in our church. But our church leaders told us if we really wanted help restoring our marriage, Chris would have some strict stipulations placed upon him. And some of these stipulations would inconvenience me. Was I ready for that?Knowing the road ahead would be far from easy, Chris willingly said he would do anything and everything to get free. He said he was desperate for freedom. And even though a big part of me wanted to head for the hills and never look back, a bigger part of me wanted to see if this jacked-up marriage could be redeemed.
Chris resigned from his pastoral role at our church and immediately began to look for a new job. He has a college degree so how hard could it be to find something? The leadership team at our church told Chris that he could not get a job where he had access to a computer, was going to be alone with women, or had to travel. That left The Home Depot. Chris’ new “salary” was more than cut in half by taking this new job. Strict stipulation number one.
The team also came and removed our computer from our home for more than two months. They wanted to make sure that Chris had no access to pornography. Talk about inconvenient. We had to go to the public library to check our e-mail. Strict stipulation number two.
Chris also was not allowed to do things on his own for several weeks except drive to work and back. He was either with us or his mentor from church. The team didn’t want there to even be a hint of an opportunity to make a bad choice again. Strict stipulation number three.
Basically, the first few months after his “confession” were not easy even on the easiest days. It was inconvenient for both of us. Sometimes I would get frustrated that I had to deal with the consequences of his actions. But my pastor, Craig Groeschel, said that sacrifice is giving up something you love for something you love more. Despite the crazy amount of hurt that my husband caused, I still loved him. The love I had for him didn’t just “go away” because he wounded me. I was willing to set aside “me” in order to see “us” be healed. Even though it was painful and oftentimes dreadful, it was the choice I made, and I do not have one regret for making it.
As
much as I loved my husband, I loved God more. I made a commitment to
God early on in my college years that I would follow Him and live for
Him no matter what, that I was “His girl,” and that he could count on me
even when things got rough. Well, things were rough, to say the least.
However, even in the midst of my darkest hours, He was there comforting
me because I leaned into Him instead of running from Him when the hurt,
pain, and fear invaded my every thought.As hard as the stipulations were, they were good. Necessary, even. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just wrote. The good didn’t necessarily happen during all of this but as a result of everything. I don’t believe that an addict can break free without a total abandonment of his or her drug. My husband certainly couldn’t. We knew that eventually we would have a computer in our home again. I can’t tell you the fear that struck in me. As much as I wanted the convenience of checking e-mail in my own home, I was frightened that my husband wouldn’t be able to handle having his “drug” so available.
That’s where Covenant Eyes came into play. Before the computer was brought back into our home, we made a plan to install the protection that Covenant Eyes Accountability software offers. Let me tell you, it was such a relief knowing that I would know every website that our computer went to. And when the day would come that Chris would have his own laptop for work, we would have that computer monitored as well.
DOWNLOAD “HOPE AFTER PORN”
Boundaries that Bring Freedom
Today—after years of counseling, accountability, and personal growth—Chris is back on staff at our church. He knows that every move he makes on his computer is monitored. Knowing that reports of his Internet activity are sent to his boss, his best friend, and to me help keep him free. Chris really doesn’t want to go back to the life he lived for 20+ years, but when temptation arises, he knows that we will all know if he fails. And he will tell you that knowing that helps him so much.Some people might feel like they are in prison with this kind of Internet protection. Not Chris. He saw the boundaries as keeping him free! He desperately desired freedom from the monster that invaded his life for so long. It didn’t bother him that his every move was monitored. In fact, he thrived under this boundary!
Our world fell apart in 2002. It’s been quite a journey to say the least. Every Thursday I still get a Covenant Eyes report that tells me all of the websites my husband visits. Week after week, year after year, I see the same common websites that he visits. I see that he likes to read reviews on products before he buys them. I see that he enjoys catching up on some sports every so often. I see that he watches a few silly videos on YouTube from time to time. But you know what I don’t see?
Porn.
I am grateful for our path. Not because of the pain, but because of what the pain has brought about in our lives. My marriage is one of the healthiest I’ve ever seen. Trust has been restored in amazing ways because my husband and I have no secrets. We are truly best friends who want to keep our marriage strong. In order for that to happen, we do whatever it takes.
Cindy Beall
is a writer, speaker and mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris,
speak openly about their difficult journey through Chris’ infidelity and
pornography addiction that nearly destroyed their marriage and
ministry. Through God’s grace they have inspired thousands of people and
have returned to full-time ministry where Chris serves as the Oklahoma
City Campus Pastor at www.lifechurch.tv. Cindy serves as the Sisters
Women’s Ministry leader for their campus. Her first book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, was published in 2011 through Harvest House Publishers.
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