The Missing Link to Solving the Porn Epidemic: Enlist the Support of Women

By Guest Contributor

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Twenty years ago, people in the church didn’t talk about porn, or visual temptations in general.  Today, churches across America have Celebrate Recovery groups, men’s small groups that study Every Man’s Battle, and experienced counselors with specialized training.  You as pastors talk to men during Sunday morning worship services about the importance of discipline and purity in their thought lives, and every man intimately understands the challenge being laid before him.
The problem is: most of the women don’t.  And that is one reason why all our effort in the church – as great as it is — hasn’t yet made a systemic difference to eradicating the problem of porn in the church.  A difference to individuals, yes; A sea change for the Body of Christ as a whole, no.
We need to enlist the understanding of women, if we are going to support men.
In extensive research over the last thirteen years, I’ve seen that there is literally no other single topic that so deeply affects many millions of men, that so many millions of women are completely blind to.  Yes, we women know that “men are visual”… but we don’t understand what that truly means.  More importantly: we don’t know what it means every single day for the man we love, or the son we are trying to raise in a sexualized culture.
So by default, a man usually knows other guys will understand what he’s dealing with… but that his wife probably won’t.  Some men will, thankfully, talk to other men about it.  But many men only open up about very personal things with their wives.
Which means that by default, many men never talk about this particular challenge with anyone.  It stays hidden.  And if any challenge has become an actual struggle, or a struggle has become a habit, or a habit has become an addiction… if it stays hidden, that almost ensures it isn’t going to be healed. Which almost ensures we won’t make huge inroads into solving this, even in the church.
But there is a way to make huge inroads.  There is a way to solve the problem of pornography, visual temptations and the sexualized-culture minefield that undermines way too many men and boys in our churches today: open the eyes of women and help them understand how the male brain is wired, that even the most honorable man or boy can still be tempted, how to talk with a husband or son about this in a way he feels safe to open up, how to be empathetic without endorsing poor choices, and how to be on their husband’s or son’s team in the battle.
A wife can never be her husband’s accountability partner; that would make the wife the police.  Yet without her full understanding and support, many men never even get an accountability partner!
I speak at a lot of churches, and pastors often have me come in to do a pastoral interview on my findings as the sermon time on Sunday morning.  One week, a pastor and I had just briefly touched on the fact that men are visual, and afterward a man came up to talk to me.  He said he had struggled with internet porn on and off for years, and that he wanted to attend the church’s Saturday morning men’s group to get help and accountability, and finally get free of it.  But when he told his wife he’d like to join the group, she got alarmed, like, “What are you saying?!  Are you saying you’re attracted to other women?!  What are you saying?!” All he could do was play it off and say, “No, no, never mind, it’s fine.”  He wanted help, but he didn’t want to upset or hurt his wife.
I was so sad for this guy.  He wasn’t trying to hide it, he wanted to address it, but he didn’t know how to help his wife understand.  So he was still feeling trapped. That was when I started to realize the need for this effort.  That is when I started studying it much more in-depth. And those findings are why Craig Gross, the founder of xxxchurch.com, and I have teamed up to research and write Through A Man’s Eyes to equip women with this knowledge.
Just to be clear, it is never a woman’s fault that the man is trapped.  Whether or not she understands, he is the one who is solely responsible for his choices.  But as you know, there are many men who hate this struggle and hate that they make the wrong choices. And if a man wants to install filtering software on the household computers, for example, how is he supposed to do that if his wife is appalled and upset that he’d even be tempted? Or if a mom finds her 12-year-old son Googling “big boobs” and flips out, will that young man feel able to open up about his very real visual temptations?
The understanding and support of women is not a panacea.  Men will always continue to have a choice, and some will make the wrong choices. Many men will not want their wife to know anything about their visual nature because they want to continue to make the wrong choices!
But from the research I’ve done with tens of thousands of men and women over the years, I’m convinced that most men in the church do hate this temptation and want to be free of it.  Although many men have told me they would never want to talk about this with their wives, it was only because “she would never understand” and “I know it would hurt her.”  When I have asked “What if you were sure your wife could completely understand you, without any condemnation, and be firmly on your team?” I haven’t found a single man who wouldn’t want that.
Imagine what would happen if every mom knew how to help prevent porn from ensnaring her son.  Imagine what would happen if every beautiful young woman knew how to avoid putting a stumbling block in the way of a man who didn’t want that temptation.  Imagine what would happen if every wife knew how to be on her husband’s side in the battle.  I think that then, we could see a sea change on this issue in the Body of Christ.

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Shaunti Feldhahn is a well-known social researcher and the best-selling author of For Women Only and For Men Only. Craig Gross is a pastor, thought leader and the founder of xxxchurch.com.  With the release of Through A Man’s Eyes, they are passionate about helping women understand men on this topic, and helping leaders serve those in their churches.  Learn more about them and the book at www.menarevisual.com.